A discussion in Clubhouse that I happened to attend few years back on the not-so-often-talked about subjects of Streettva and Stree-Dharma had reminded me again of the journey of my own life as a woman and a mother since the time I attained puberty. It seemed as if the three-day long Clubhouse sessions came as a continuous reminder to me from my own mother and grandmothers who always used to say – “A woman must be like a woman, not like a man.” At that time, it did not make much sense; absorbed as I was in the free-spirited campus life of a top University in the National Capital of India.

I would perhaps not have paid much heed to whatever was wrong with this University until I happened to question one of my Professors on her double standards regarding the sacred institutions of the family and marriage. Instead of answering my question, she tried confusing the students on the concepts of sex and gender, and the relationship between a man and a woman in a marriage in the name of ‘Feminism’. Isn’t it a sign of the failure of our collective intellectual thought-processes to have accepted a borrowed discourse called ‘Feminism’ when actually we do not need such a discourse at all?

The overwhelming influence of Bollywood on our day-to-day lives is indeed stark. From hosting lavish cake-cutting ceremonies to cocktail parties and guests dancing to high-volume DJ music to gifting contraceptives to the newly-married couple, a strong undercurrent of sexualisation of the entire ceremony of a Hindu marriage is prominently visible. Expensive invitation cards and clothes, huge marriage halls and banquets, bands and fireworks, blaring music and artificial lighting, etc. have transformed one of the most important sanskars of Hindu Dharma, i.e.Vivaha, into a multi-billion dollar industry.

The problem is certainly not in the fact that the institution of marriage is generating revenue for our economy. But, amid all this fanfare, the Dharmic rituals of vivaha as mentioned in our scriptures, seem to have been completely neglected. As a result, the adhyatmik bhava (spiritual consciousness) associated with marriage has been lost. Among all the four Ashramas of human life – Brahmacharya, Grihastha, Vanaprastha, and Sannyas – Grihastha Ashrama or family life is considered Sarvasrestha among all. It teaches one the values of moha (attachment) and vairagya (detachment) at the same time.

In any Hindu vivaha sanskar, two jivas come together and seek the blessings of the Devatas to lead a contented married life. It is, therefore, absolutely essential that the rituals of marriage are strictly carried out as per the Sastras. By taking note of this and many other associated aspects, a marriage can be transformed into an event that creates awareness about Dharma. In recent times, certain decisions taken by our Courts (e.g. legalisation of live-in-relationships, etc.) have also been responsible for destroying the sanctity of vivaha sanskar, posing a threat to the very survival of the Indian family system.

The traditional Indian joint family where at least two-three generations of people lived and ate together under the same roof is already on the wane. A dangerous trend of so-called “modern-day” couples calling themselves “child-free” can often be observed. What does this indicate? Despite achieving high standards of material or economic development, we have lagged behind in educating our sons and daughters on the basic principles of Dharma. An increasingly individualist society is sure to bring about ruin and all-round destruction.

The current situation in Europe is a very good example of what can eventually happen to a society that has forgotten its origins, its roots, and most importantly, a society that no longer recognises the importance of the family for ensuring the continuity of culture and civilisation. The family as an institution is a trait of a highly developed and civilised society. Procreation (praja-utpatti) or, the birth of healthy offspring, is an essential aspect of vivaha, for that is the only way in which we can repay our pitru-rin. Undoubtedly, the best nurturing of a child happens in the presence of both biological parents.

Thus, the family occupies a place of utmost cultural and spiritual importance in the Hindu civilisation. It is through the family that the grihapati and the grihalakshmi, along with their children, can lead a disciplined and peaceful life well-bonded through love and affection. There are certain unalterable physical differences between the male and the female from the perspective of procreation, which render any attempt to make them ‘equals’ fruitless. On the contrary, the Westernised Feminist model of ‘women’s empowerment’ is a war against the family, especially the woman and her feminine/motherly instincts.

These are the same instincts that teach us to respect and celebrate pregnancy, childbirth, and motherhood as life-changing processes which naturally lead a woman towards higher spiritual transformation. But what happens when we do not respect these natural instincts or try to suppress them for any reason whatsoever? Negative shifts in human relationships, marriage, society, culture, and the family system are bound to occur when women try to overpower their basic nature in the insane rush to become ‘equal’ (when interpreted as ‘sameness’) to men.

It eventually takes a toll on the physical and mental health of not only women but men too. A woman is a Janani, her body and hormones are different from a man. Accordingly, her needs are different as well and she is to be respected for that difference, for the dignity of who she is, and not to fight for what she must never be. It is a part of the motherly instinct in every woman to feel the need to bear a child, become a mother, and make a beautiful home. Creating a beautiful home and a loving environment for both the older and younger members of the family requires equal passion and dedication as that of any other work.

Home-making is just another beautiful art which, when performed with utmost patience and dedication, can endow women with an astitva of their own. Motherhood is an intrinsic and inseparable part of this art. For any woman, this is the naturally ordained responsibility and blessing. It would be wrong to understand Grihastha Ashrama and the respective roles of the man and the woman in a grihasthi from the prism of a one-sided narrative of equality. Both the masculine (Purusa) and the feminine (Prakriti) principles play an equally important role in creating, sustaining, and nurturing life.

They balance each other while being different in their own unique ways. At the spiritual plane, they are one, each indistinguishable from the other. They merge into one another to create another new and beautiful life. The Euro-centric, binary worldview of understanding gender in terms of the conflicting male-female divide has done more harm than good. The concept of Stree Moolam Sarva Dharma (women are the root of a tree called Dharma) is intrinsically associated with a biological understanding of a woman’s mind and body that is naturally blessed for childbirth.

Vivaha implies the sacred union of Siva and Sakti who complement each other. Hence, when the bride garlands the groom, it means that she worships the un-manifested Siva Tattva in him. The same holds true for the groom as well who worships the Devi Tattva in her by garlanding her. It also means Paanigrahan, meaning, the groom holding the hand of the bride to make her his wife and take her away from her father’s home to her own home after her father completes the ritual of kanyadaan. Any Hindu vivaha is incomplete without kanyadaan.

Quite understandably, therefore, the woman should stay with her husband after vivaha and accept his family as her own. This has generally been the tradition in Bharat, with only a few exceptions in Southern and North-Eastern India. A vivaha ceremony conducted in a Sattvik environment through the proper recitation of all the appropriate mantras is believed to bestow Anandam (marital bliss) on the couple. It is because the primary goal of Hindu vivaha sanskar is to fulfill the four Purusharthas of life – Dharma, Artha, Kama, and Moksha.

In Sanatana Dharma, the institution of marriage is one among the many ways of attaining moksha if both the grihapati and the grihalakshmi follow and practice their swabhava and swadharma diligently. In the earlier times, a boy, after his upanayan sanskar, would be sent to his Guru’s hermitage for at least 12 years. Before entering Grihastha Ashrama, he would be taught to earn his livelihood for the sustenance of a family. Taking into consideration all these and other socio-cultural factors, the age-group of 25-30 years was regarded as ideal for a boy’s marriage.

In the case of a girl, once she attains puberty, she is taught, for at least five to six years how to shoulder familial responsibilities. Hence, the age group of 18-25 years was considered ideal, from the reproductive perspective too, for the marriage of a girl. After vivaha, draped in traditional Indian costumes and saubhagyalankara like mangalsutra, her lalitam (elegance) naturally enhances. Our Sastras have revealed the concept of a Guru to whom a man has to surrender. But, for a woman, it is her husband instead of a Guru to whom she is expected to surrender after vivaha.

In other words, while a man has to follow the rigorous austerities of life by surrendering himself to a Guru for acquiring life-lessons from him, the same can be obtained by a woman by simply surrendering herself to her husband. The “modern” idea of a “freedom-loving” and “independent” woman, however, stands in stark contrast to this concept of surrender or saranagati. In our philosophy, a truly Pativráta Naari, it is believed, is more powerful than anyone else, even more than the Creator Himself. Can there be any better example of this than the story of Savitri and Satyavan?

But it does not imply that the wife is a slave to her husband who can control her at will. Instead, she is a friend and sakha (companion) who also has the right to question him and even contradict him for his thoughts and actions. The vows of Saptapadi wherein the bride and the groom discard all sanskars of the past seven births and start a conjugal life complementary to each other, also reinforce the fact that the wife is her husband’s companion and a source of constant support. She is responsible for managing the finances and looking after the Grihasthi.   

Family health is maintained and the children are inspired to lead a Dharma-abiding life when both the parents themselves tread the path of Dharma, celebrate various festivals together, observe fasts, and ensure the survival of various family traditions. Vivaha is, thus, much more than the fulfillment of carnal pleasures. Through its rituals centered on the fire (agni-homa), the sacred institution of vivaha helps the man and the woman come closer, psychologically and spiritually. The rituals may differ from place to place and region to region, but the sacred importance of the fire in any Hindu marriage is undisputed.  

The concept of a ‘Registered Marriage’ came into vogue only during the colonial era. The main objective of the British Government was to use the institution of marriage as a means to increase its revenues by collecting taxes. In this type of a marriage, no religious rituals are performed and no auspicious time for the marriage is fixed; instead, a document is generated certifying that the man and the woman have become husband and wife. Leaving aside its pros and cons, the problem with this Western practice emerges when Hindus resort to it on the excuse of saving “time” and marriage-related “expenses”!

On the other hand, every ritual performed and every mantra recited in a Hindu vivaha helps in enhancing the component of Sattvikta in the sthula (gross) and sukshma (subtle – mind, intellect and ego) sharira (body) of the bride and the groom. This is done by regulating the chaitanyam that flows from the Rajas and Tama gunas. In no other religion such elaborate rituals are performed during a marriage to enhance the couple’s sattvikta. It bestows upon both a sense of responsibility and humility towards their families and society.

Thus, playing loud or sexually-overloaded music in such an environment is spiritually undesirable for it can make Rajas and Tama predominant in the environment and thus obstruct the Sattva waves of the Devatas from reaching the marriage venue. Various other factors and changes that have crept into Hindu society have, consciously or unconsciously, made their way into our marriage rituals as well. E.g. nowadays, it can often be seen that the picture of Sri Ganapati is printed in a denigrating, offensive manner on the marriage invitation cards, with only His head or sometimes only the nose.

Only a full picture of Ganapati in the sitting posture as described in the Sastras, is appropriate for usage in this regard. But, since most of these invitation cards are later thrown into the dustbin or elsewhere, it is debatable whether any picture of a deity should or shouldn’t at all be printed. Maybe when these cards are no longer in use, immersing them with pictures of the deities in the flowing waters of a river or a stream can be an appropriate option. Hardly do we find any marriage invitation cards today that mention the name of the family’s Kuladevata/Kuladevi or the village’s Gramadevata.

Also, many a time, the cards are printed only in the English language decorated with random designs and pictures, cheap plastic motifs, and sometimes even tinted with fragrance, etc. This does not mean that marriage invitation cards should not be printed in English or any other foreign language. But, printing these cards only in English without any corresponding Bharatiya language is problematic. It is an inevitable marker of a deracinated society. Vivaha is the celebration of our roots, of who we are and the purpose of our birth in this mortal world.

Earlier, it was a common practice among Hindus to conduct a marriage ceremony in a temple according to the scriptures. Also, in earlier times, food was served to the invited guests as per the traditional Bharatiya system of having bhojanam by sitting on the floor. However, nowadays, in the rush to complete the marriage rituals, the priests are not able to perform many of these rituals systematically on the auspicious muhurtam. The Western buffet system has completely replaced the Indian tradition of bhojanam, not only during marriages but in almost every other ceremony held in a Hindu household.

The world looks up to Bharat with respect at a time when societies in the West are on the path of destruction. They have destroyed their ecology and their family system is in a crisis. Their much sex-obsessed societies are often seen to justify this unrestrained sexuality by taking recourse to our very own Kamasutra. But Kamasutra was never only about sex. It was always about living and managing one’s Grihasthi as entailed by Dharma while at the same time, responsibly managing our desires. Grihastha Ashram (family system) is the main foundation of the vibrant culture of Bharat.

Despite innumerable attacks on our civilisation and places of worship by foreigners, we have survived. Isn’t it a miracle that Bharat even survived blood-thirsty, brutal invaders like Aurangzeb? On the contrary, the West, at present, is being shattered into pieces in the face of an equally brutal demographic warfare against their societies. The Dharmic thought process that is ingrained in the Bharatiya society is absent in the West. This thought process is built upon a strong and solid cultural framework that is primarily about ‘We’ and ‘Us’ before the ‘I’ or ‘Me’.

By normalising live-in-relationships and extra-marital relationships, Western individualism has led to the collapse of families, societies and cultures. Problems such as increasing numbers of teenage pregnancies, nurturing and upbringing of illegitimate and abandoned children, mental illnesses and lack of family support, drug abuse, and a significant section of the adolescent population being confused about their sexual identity, etc. stare at the face of Western societies today. Besides, the sharp increase in criminal and terror activities over the past few years has compounded their problems further.

In the face of these numerous other odds, Bharat and the Bharatiya civilisation can only survive and flourish when balance and harmony are maintained in the society. The family system is the basic source of this harmony. The institution of Vivaha nourishes it. All other sanskars of Garbhadhan, Namakaran, Annaprasan, Mundan, etc. are dependent upon the all-important vivaha sanskar. Thus, it is only by preserving the sanctity of Hindu vivaha sanskar that we can ensure the comprehensive and all round welfare of the society and alternatively that of the nation.

Image source: TV9 Bharatvarsh